apophenian | (wheeze)

[ there's plenty he could say to all of that. there's always something he could say to even a fraction of whatever comes out of neal's mouth, but larus has to put it into perspective. he has to choose his battles, and really, he'd rather not argue or start something that's going to stretch into this week-long venture that they're about to embark on and make it uncomfortable. he already has to deal with that enough as it is.

his own business could wait, but there's something else that needs addressing first. ]

You don't sound happy. [ he's gotten to know him well enough that it's clear in his body language. ] Is this really what you want to do?

[ because he honestly has no idea what else it could be. ]

Uh, def. For sure. [ he's reticent to voice it so openly, now, but carrying larus away on a nautical adventure is like ... a dream come true. literally? he's had sexy dreams about it.

which is possibly why the lack of echoing enthusiasm smarts so much.

his pride's a little bruised, possibly. maybe. but shut up about it ok!! ] I guess I just kind of ... [ he rolls his eyes at himself and gives the most dismissive possible shrug. ] Hoped you'd be more excited? Which in retrospect is ... [ wishful thinking? dumb? he doesn't know. ] I don't know. It's not a big deal. [ so for real, shut up about it.]

I hope ... once we're out on the water ... you can feel ... [ – his teeth graze his lip and he shrugs again – ] ... less trapped and ... weighted down by ... [ – another gesture, wide and indeterminate – ] everything.

[ ... oh.

larus' expression falls slightly, setting his phone aside so that neal's view of him is currently that of the ceiling as he changes the position he's sitting in. when he picks up again, he almost looks thoughtful. like he's considering something he wants to say but probably never will. ]

I thought my agreement was enough. [ yes, he really does think that. ] I haven't left this city in years, and I still don't know if it's a good idea. But I want to. I want to try these things with you.

[ he wants to feel normal. not that he voices it, but he hopes neal understands. larus is anything but, and it's already dangerous enough that he's spending so much time with him. taking that outside of where they are? it's insane. neal has to know that; given what he's said, he clearly doesn't. ]

It's still asking a lot of me though. Being this consumed by you is very much the opposite of what I should be doing. [ and yet... here they are. ]

[ neal's brow ticks upward, and something very salty flits quickly over his expression. he swallows it down with a sizable gulp of rum.

he's thinking: sorry to put you out so much, larus, ... by asking you to go on a yachting adventure and chillax on some beaches with me. and by hoping maybe you'd be enthused about the prospect. my bad.

he's also thinking that it's very sweet for larus to admit that kind of thing, about feeling consumed, even if it makes neal sound more like a guilty pleasure or an indiscretion than an ally, friend with benefits he occasionally dates, whatever. his gaze cuts sidelong, pensive, subdued. ]

I mean, we can keep it short. Nassau's kinda pushin' it because it's like two weeks, round trip. I haven't even checked the weather, anyway, so we can just ... stick to the coast. There's some decent beaches down that way. Plenty to see, especially since you've been confined to views of concrete and bricks in this dumpster-fire ass city for the past few years.

[ he sniffs, looks back to larus. ]

Anyway, man, tomorrow's good. You're good. Do your thing, get 'er done.

Edited (words) 2021-03-11 23:34 (UTC)

[ his own expression darkens a little.

what is this? ]

Did I say anything about coming back sooner? If it's spontaneous, shouldn't it be when we feel like it? [ he thought that's how it works, but maybe he's wrong. maybe all of this is wrong?

honestly, it's beginning to seem that way with neal's attitude and everything he's saying. larus doesn't like it, and he's frowning at him before he can catch himself, lips parting on something that he swallows down in exchange for a question he thinks isn't going to get him anywhere. ] I want to talk about this. Was it something I said?

[ which... is a first for him. usually, he wouldn't give a damn and just move on, wait a few days and then reach out again. but he really isn't comfortable leaving it like this when they're supposed to leave tomorrow. together. he can't sense anything when they're not in the same room either, so he's simply relying on visual and verbal clues. ]

Dude, you literally just made it abundantly clear that you don't want to talk about any of this. You said you really don't care where we go, so I should shut up bugging you about it and pick.

[ he breathes a laugh, shakes his head and raises a questioning palm. ]

Make up your mind.

I don't care because you'll still be there regardless of the destination. What does it matter what we see when that's not why I agreed to go?

[ he's annoyed now, and clearly so. it might also be the first real inclination of some feelings brimming to the surface for neal to see because he's obviously talking about him. larus doubts it will make much difference now, but it doesn't stop him from pointing out, ] I want to talk about you and why you're bothered by that.

[ he knows dismissal when he sees (and hears) it. ]

I don't know! [ a little of his drink sloshes from his glass as he throws up his free hand. he smacks the spill off his chest and continues to gesture, unfazed. ]

I mean, you could have led with that, first of all! [ eyes narrowed, he blinks at larus like he's spelling 'duh' in morse code. there's a spark to his expression, now, like he's secretly pleased with larus' response but not yet ready to concede any ground. ]

But, like ... maybe I want to go somewhere you think is interesting? Because you never go anywhere, and I want to take you somewhere you find intriguing? Maybe I'm interested in your opinions, and it gets on my nerves that you seem, like, militantly opposed to freakin' having them, much less voicing them? Listen, I know you never get excited about anything, but imagine for a second you did – imagine you got excited about trying to do something fun for someone you ... y'know, care about ... and you kept trying to get that someone to empathize or even emote at you and they just like dismissed you outright and acted like you were being a pain in the ass. Does that sound pleasant?

[ for a long moment, he doesn't say anything.

it's like an increasing pressure in his chest, something that crawls up into his throat to suffocate him. but it's worse than that because he doesn't need to breathe, the discomfort pushing him to clench his jaw before he puts his phone down. he doesn't want to crush it and doesn't want to hang up on him. if all he's become is some unfeeling monster, then why does this bother him so much? ]

It's not like that. [ i'm not like that. ] But I don't think you realize how much it means for me to just... leave, either. It's not as if I haven't thought about it. I have. [ but then, if he did, he'd be giving up the very thing that drives him in this undead life of his. ] So you want my opinion? I don't want to go north because that's where I'm from. I could show you things about me no one else has ever known. And it's the opposite reason I'd rather not go south. Maybe I don't care because I really don't. Whatever you want, I'll do.

[ he reaches for his phone again and looks at him. ]

Never mistake the things I say for apathy. Not between us.

[ neal continues to pout, though a flicker of surprise passes over his expression. that's not exactly the reaction he was hoping to elicit from larus, and it makes him wonder just what that's all about.

as always, though, larus' brand of hyper-serious earnesty melts him, even if he's itching to ask why it's such a bad thing larus could show him things no one else knows. he reminds himself that larus has no idea how to have fun. this is a learning experience and calls for patience.

and he's determined larus is going to have an awesome fucking time even if he has to drag him kicking and screaming into it. ]

Fine. Just ... meet me at the marina tomorrow night.

(wheeze)

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