apophenian | (wheeze)

TOMORROW??
As in 24hrs from now???
dude

Dude

Do I need to FaceTime you right now? Is this Larus??? Pale dude, 5'10"ish, magnificent man bun, acts like Data from Star Trek?
or is this some dickbag who stole his phone and is fucking with me cruelly

[ he is SHOOK. in disbelief. but so, so very pleased. there's a reason he named his yacht the 'phuckayaw', after all.

that reason is because he was drunk out his head and eighteen at the time.

BUT ALSO because, listen, it's the spirit of an explorer class vessel: to be prepared at any moment to peace out into the horizon on an adventure and say, 'fuck all ya'll'.

the thought of sharing a little of that freedom with larus thrills him. ]

Do we need to do a pros and cons list together? Bc I'm not flipping a coin

[ is it really such a big deal that he's agreed so soon? what else does he have going on right now? clearly nothing. or not a lot. but that's besides the point. ]

do you want to leave next week then? or a month from now?
i'm not sure what kind of timeline you want.

[ this is already turning into a headache. why. ]

i'd rather not.
if you can't make a decision, then we'll go south.
there's not really much to see north from here.

[ welp, ... that sounds like larus. ]

NO tomorrow's good. Unexpectedly good. The only thing better would be like literally right now

but Idk I mean Newfoundland sounds kind of cool
I just googled it
Aurora borealis? Never seen it, bucket listed

It's like a week to the Bahamas
I'm a fan of anywhere known for its rum
and there's some cool spots I could show u

it can't be now. i already told you why.

[ but then again... ]

it sounds like you're already making a list.
maybe north is better after all.
i've heard the sun's more intense in the other direction anyway.
i wouldn't be able to see as much either.

You could see my favorite private beach. We could have a bonfire on it. You could let me have you in a hammock. And it wouldn't be too cold to swim.

Up north would probably be less gratuitous nudity and beach sex and more, like, untouched natural splendor and me in parkas
If that's your kind of thing

[ neal can probably hear him sighing. ]

i don't really care. this is why i didn't want to choose.
pick one now, and i'll consider doing the other at some point in the future.
it can be something else to look forward to.

k

[ that's it? no more trying to persuade him to choose? ]

then i'll see you tomorrow.

[ even for someone as overly-opinionated and brimming with confidence in those opinions as neal, it's hard sometimes to see your enthusiasm for discussing an idea met again and again with apparent ambivalence. he realizes larus' refusal to voice a preference about anything recreational says far more about larus himself than either of the objectively awesome options he's offering up.

he also adores larus, and is charmed by his frowny, flatline personality nine times out of ten. but he read 'i don't really care', pouted visibly, and decided it was time for a Drank. (larus would probably think he's being petty about trivial things that 'don't matter'.)

maybe should pick his battles. he already got a 'yes'. that's a victory. anyway, it's always easier to coax larus into emoting in person. ]

Yeah
can't wait

[ he's frowning again.

all of that enthusiasm beaten down into something barely there? larus isn't particularly good at reading anything through text, but he can tell something isn't right. maybe neal changed his mind? maybe he's not all that interested in this endeavor because he now realizes how fruitless it'll be since they'd only be able to spend the night hours together outside of some place to shield him from the sun? or is it something else?

there's a sigh.

fine. whatever. if neal wants spontaneity, then he's about to get it slammed right in his face because larus is confused and also just slightly on the side of annoyed. ]

i changed my mind.
let's leave now. tonight.
i'll meet you at your boat in half an hour, and we'll go south.
if you have any objections, say them now.

[ 'if you have any objections, say them now'? neal scrubs a hand over his face, breathes out an exasperated huff that turns into a laugh, and presses the button to video call.

if larus picks up, he'll see neal looking down at the phone with a raised brow and a very small, very amused, very tight-lipped smile. he's lounging on a couch, splayed out with head propped up against a pillow, iced glass propped on his sternum. ]

What about your loose ends you gotta tie up?

[ is this an emergency?

doubtful given what he sees when he does answer after a few rings. larus' own background is an unrecognizable apartment bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed with his phone out in front of him. his expression is slightly weary but really no more than usual. ]

They're not that important. [ meaning neal is. ] Would you rather leave tomorrow?

[ when he catches sight of that familiar look in larus' eyes– which he can only think of as the sort of marrow-deep tiredness or existential fatigue that might overcome someone who's seen far too much, neal's expression softens and sombers slightly.

indulgently, ] Yeah. [ he would, actually. ] I want you to do what you've got to do to get your stuff together so I can abscond with you for a little while without the first thing on your mind being unfinished business back here.

[ he takes a sip, gestures with his glass. ]

Tomorrow's fine. Tomorrow's perfect. As long as you're coming with me, I'm happy.

[ there's plenty he could say to all of that. there's always something he could say to even a fraction of whatever comes out of neal's mouth, but larus has to put it into perspective. he has to choose his battles, and really, he'd rather not argue or start something that's going to stretch into this week-long venture that they're about to embark on and make it uncomfortable. he already has to deal with that enough as it is.

his own business could wait, but there's something else that needs addressing first. ]

You don't sound happy. [ he's gotten to know him well enough that it's clear in his body language. ] Is this really what you want to do?

[ because he honestly has no idea what else it could be. ]

Uh, def. For sure. [ he's reticent to voice it so openly, now, but carrying larus away on a nautical adventure is like ... a dream come true. literally? he's had sexy dreams about it.

which is possibly why the lack of echoing enthusiasm smarts so much.

his pride's a little bruised, possibly. maybe. but shut up about it ok!! ] I guess I just kind of ... [ he rolls his eyes at himself and gives the most dismissive possible shrug. ] Hoped you'd be more excited? Which in retrospect is ... [ wishful thinking? dumb? he doesn't know. ] I don't know. It's not a big deal. [ so for real, shut up about it.]

I hope ... once we're out on the water ... you can feel ... [ – his teeth graze his lip and he shrugs again – ] ... less trapped and ... weighted down by ... [ – another gesture, wide and indeterminate – ] everything.

[ ... oh.

larus' expression falls slightly, setting his phone aside so that neal's view of him is currently that of the ceiling as he changes the position he's sitting in. when he picks up again, he almost looks thoughtful. like he's considering something he wants to say but probably never will. ]

I thought my agreement was enough. [ yes, he really does think that. ] I haven't left this city in years, and I still don't know if it's a good idea. But I want to. I want to try these things with you.

[ he wants to feel normal. not that he voices it, but he hopes neal understands. larus is anything but, and it's already dangerous enough that he's spending so much time with him. taking that outside of where they are? it's insane. neal has to know that; given what he's said, he clearly doesn't. ]

It's still asking a lot of me though. Being this consumed by you is very much the opposite of what I should be doing. [ and yet... here they are. ]

[ neal's brow ticks upward, and something very salty flits quickly over his expression. he swallows it down with a sizable gulp of rum.

he's thinking: sorry to put you out so much, larus, ... by asking you to go on a yachting adventure and chillax on some beaches with me. and by hoping maybe you'd be enthused about the prospect. my bad.

he's also thinking that it's very sweet for larus to admit that kind of thing, about feeling consumed, even if it makes neal sound more like a guilty pleasure or an indiscretion than an ally, friend with benefits he occasionally dates, whatever. his gaze cuts sidelong, pensive, subdued. ]

I mean, we can keep it short. Nassau's kinda pushin' it because it's like two weeks, round trip. I haven't even checked the weather, anyway, so we can just ... stick to the coast. There's some decent beaches down that way. Plenty to see, especially since you've been confined to views of concrete and bricks in this dumpster-fire ass city for the past few years.

[ he sniffs, looks back to larus. ]

Anyway, man, tomorrow's good. You're good. Do your thing, get 'er done.

Edited (words) 2021-03-11 23:34 (UTC)

[ his own expression darkens a little.

what is this? ]

Did I say anything about coming back sooner? If it's spontaneous, shouldn't it be when we feel like it? [ he thought that's how it works, but maybe he's wrong. maybe all of this is wrong?

honestly, it's beginning to seem that way with neal's attitude and everything he's saying. larus doesn't like it, and he's frowning at him before he can catch himself, lips parting on something that he swallows down in exchange for a question he thinks isn't going to get him anywhere. ] I want to talk about this. Was it something I said?

[ which... is a first for him. usually, he wouldn't give a damn and just move on, wait a few days and then reach out again. but he really isn't comfortable leaving it like this when they're supposed to leave tomorrow. together. he can't sense anything when they're not in the same room either, so he's simply relying on visual and verbal clues. ]

Dude, you literally just made it abundantly clear that you don't want to talk about any of this. You said you really don't care where we go, so I should shut up bugging you about it and pick.

[ he breathes a laugh, shakes his head and raises a questioning palm. ]

Make up your mind.

I don't care because you'll still be there regardless of the destination. What does it matter what we see when that's not why I agreed to go?

[ he's annoyed now, and clearly so. it might also be the first real inclination of some feelings brimming to the surface for neal to see because he's obviously talking about him. larus doubts it will make much difference now, but it doesn't stop him from pointing out, ] I want to talk about you and why you're bothered by that.

[ he knows dismissal when he sees (and hears) it. ]

I don't know! [ a little of his drink sloshes from his glass as he throws up his free hand. he smacks the spill off his chest and continues to gesture, unfazed. ]

I mean, you could have led with that, first of all! [ eyes narrowed, he blinks at larus like he's spelling 'duh' in morse code. there's a spark to his expression, now, like he's secretly pleased with larus' response but not yet ready to concede any ground. ]

But, like ... maybe I want to go somewhere you think is interesting? Because you never go anywhere, and I want to take you somewhere you find intriguing? Maybe I'm interested in your opinions, and it gets on my nerves that you seem, like, militantly opposed to freakin' having them, much less voicing them? Listen, I know you never get excited about anything, but imagine for a second you did – imagine you got excited about trying to do something fun for someone you ... y'know, care about ... and you kept trying to get that someone to empathize or even emote at you and they just like dismissed you outright and acted like you were being a pain in the ass. Does that sound pleasant?

[ for a long moment, he doesn't say anything.

it's like an increasing pressure in his chest, something that crawls up into his throat to suffocate him. but it's worse than that because he doesn't need to breathe, the discomfort pushing him to clench his jaw before he puts his phone down. he doesn't want to crush it and doesn't want to hang up on him. if all he's become is some unfeeling monster, then why does this bother him so much? ]

It's not like that. [ i'm not like that. ] But I don't think you realize how much it means for me to just... leave, either. It's not as if I haven't thought about it. I have. [ but then, if he did, he'd be giving up the very thing that drives him in this undead life of his. ] So you want my opinion? I don't want to go north because that's where I'm from. I could show you things about me no one else has ever known. And it's the opposite reason I'd rather not go south. Maybe I don't care because I really don't. Whatever you want, I'll do.

[ he reaches for his phone again and looks at him. ]

Never mistake the things I say for apathy. Not between us.

[ neal continues to pout, though a flicker of surprise passes over his expression. that's not exactly the reaction he was hoping to elicit from larus, and it makes him wonder just what that's all about.

as always, though, larus' brand of hyper-serious earnesty melts him, even if he's itching to ask why it's such a bad thing larus could show him things no one else knows. he reminds himself that larus has no idea how to have fun. this is a learning experience and calls for patience.

and he's determined larus is going to have an awesome fucking time even if he has to drag him kicking and screaming into it. ]

Fine. Just ... meet me at the marina tomorrow night.

(wheeze)

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